It's starting to get a bit easier.
This juggling between a part-time money making job and a wants-to-be full-time creative thing, it's getting a bit easier.
I have been trained to be hyperaware of every 15 minute segment of my work day for billing purposes and because of that it is actually difficult to not feel like the rest of my day should be structured that way too. But I'm finding that creativity doesn't work that way so much. It needs more air to breathe and grow. I do believe that there has to be some structure to the day but the difference is there is an ease to this open schedule that allows for large chunks of time to be spent doing what I feel is necessary or however much time I want to get lost in a task. It's a new way of thinking and doing. I'm starting to feel something unfurl from within. Like a flower opening in those cool time-lapse films.
It's luxurious. Oh so luxurious. Like stepping into a warm bubble bath on a very cold day. Or sipping coffee while sitting in the sun in winter. Or putting your feet in a cold creek on a hot summer day. You know what I mean, right?
I've had to repeatedly remind myself that I don't need permission to do this. That I'm stepping off the beaten path and this is what it looks and feels like.
I have faith that things will work out how they are meant to work out. But, I also need to remind myself to not worry. A fruitless endeavor always, but one I'm very, very good at. I feel like I'm an optimist at heart but worrying is a form a pessimism isn't it? Must work on that one.
But today felt good and the first day that I've felt forward movement. So for now I'll run with that.